Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
