Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
