i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
