Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
