oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
