He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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