You made me cry and you don't even care
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
