My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
