I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
