After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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