I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
