i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
