My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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