I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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