My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
