if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
