You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
