I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
