How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
