I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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