i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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