STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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