Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have fence marks all over my body
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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