I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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