I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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