note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
