He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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