My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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