Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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