Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
