My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
