I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
