i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
