so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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