Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
