her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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