You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
