sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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