remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
