Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is my gift to your gina
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
