They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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