Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
