1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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