I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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