After last night, I could never be a politician.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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