i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
