I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
