I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
