guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
