i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
