guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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