You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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