I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
