Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
