Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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