maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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