We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
