so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
