it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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