Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
